Hinata was my first
by Johnlocksinthetardis
Summary: Hinata was my first everything. My first friend, my first real teammate, my first crush... ...and my first glimpse at how truly cruel the world can be.
_Hinata was my first everything. My first friend, my first real teammate, my first crush._

My life with Hinata was a whole book of firsts.

There was our first practice together, when I tossed him the ball again and again and his skinny arms could do nothing but send it flying behind him, the ball rolling away into the shadows as the sky grew darker.

There was our first spike together, when his hand smacked the ball and the ball hit the ground, and his face lit up and for a brief moment I felt as if the very sun itself was standing beside me.

There was our first race, when the wind nipped my cheeks as we ran down the hill, the small blur of orange next to me making my heart race more than any exercise could have done.

There was our first real fight, when my throat burned like I'd swallowed bleach as I yelled at him, and my gut sank when those big amber eyes brimmed with tears.

There was my first apology, when the pain and the guilt of hurting him felt like a fist round my heart and the thought of him crying made me feel sick.

There was the first time he ever smiled at me, and I was stopped in my tracks at how beautiful he was, my cheeks turning red and my words caught in my throat as I tried to fight the butterflies in my stomach.

There was the first time he'd declared us friends, and the warmth of the sun spread through my body as I struggled to find the words strong enough to tell him exactly what that meant.

There was our first win as a team, when I felt the touch of his hands on my face and my back and the call of his honeyed voice in my ear, until everything melted away and all I could see was him.

There was our first loss at a team, when I brushed the tears off his face and held him close to me as my heart ached, and for once I cared more about him than the game itself.

There was the first time I ever saw him jump, when he flew into the air and the air left my lungs as I watched him fly above me, completely limitless.

I had always assumed I would have more firsts with Hinata.

I thought that I would have my first kiss, when his lips would brush against mine with the softness of a feather, and a blush would sweep across his skin as I held him to me.

I thought that I would have my first date, where we'd lay on the grass and look at the stars as his hand held mine, and the only sound would be his voice calling my name and the chirp of the crickets.

I had thought I would have my first love, where he'd whisper three words and my walls would break down, and he'd feel my heart skip a bear when his hand lay upon my chest as I looked into those big brown eyes.

I had thought I'd have my first time, when his body would merge with mine and for one night, the heat of our skin and the softness of our breath and the weight of our love would fuse to create a world with just the two of us in it.

I thought I'd have my first roommate, where we would trip over boxes in the dead of the night and tack his poster of the Little Giant to the wall of our bedroom, and our clothes would share a wardrobe as we shared a bed.

Instead, I got my first goodbye.

The first time I ever counted the beeps of a heart monitor like it was my life that depended on it, not his.

The first time I called his name and it fell of deaf ears, as those eyelids stayed closed and I never got to see that beautiful gaze that convinced me there were stars in his eyes.

The first time I wore all black as I sat in a pew watching as he lay trapped in a box whilst everyone bowed their heads, wondering how God could be cruel enough as to take away my sun.

The first time I cried, when his absence felt like the air had been sucked form my lungs and my heart had been ripped from my own body, and the lack of his laugh and the ghost of his touch were physical weights on my shoulders dragging me down.

I always thought my book of firsts would be hundreds of chapters long, but I was wrong.

I'm never going to see him fly again.

I'm never going to hear his voice call my name or see that 100 watt smile grace his lips.

I'll never feel his hand brush against mine or feel his lips touch my skin.

I'll never hear him say 'I love you'.

I'll never feel his body against mine or feel the cool metal of a ring against my finger as we start our lives together.

I'll never see him run down that hill again with the wind whipping his hair back, or hear that fated line of 'one more toss' as I stand in an empty gym hall, waiting for the squeak of shoes against linoleum that'll never come.

I'll never see Hinata Shouyou again.

In death, Hinata has become my epilogue. There are no more chapters in my life of him, and there will be no sequels, or continuations. He's gifted me with my very last 'first'- my first heartbreak. And as much as I want to hate him, as much as the pain feels like I'm being winded and the walls close around me, I cannot hate him.

Because you can never hate your first love.

 _Hinata was my first everything. My first friend, my first real teammate, my first crush and my_ _ **first glimpse at how truly cruel the world can be.**_

Notes: I hope you liked this! I felt like writing a little poem type thing and tbh Kagehina has been on my mind all night! Please review!


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